I Don’t Know…

I don’t know when I don’t know started to become a part of my vocabulary. Maybe I don’t know because my dad and grandfather both don’t know when it became a part of their vocabulary either. It just becomes so natural in conversation that many times I don’t even know when I say I don’t know. I simply don’t know or maybe I do know. Maybe I don’t want to know?

Over this past weekend some friends and I took a day trip to Catalina Island, an island off the coast of Southern California. It was time to take a little daycation to enjoy myself and friends all enjoying life together. For us it was a much-needed trip to help us disconnect from the world and reconnect to each other. During the trip I found myself sitting and looking out at the water just reflecting on life. Being grateful for making right choices and just reflecting and thanking God for my life. During moments in thought this phrase would pop up “I don’t know” “I don’t know”. As I am looking out at the water that thought wouldn’t stop, “I don’t know”, as I am having this internal conversation with myself. Why have we waited so long to experience this life, as I am thinking “I don’t know”, another thought finally comes, because “I didn’t want to know”. I didn’t want to know what it takes to experience my true-life God designed for me. I didn’t want to know because I wasn’t ready to make a consistent daily commitment.

I wasn’t ready for the daily consistent action it took to live out the life He had for me. As I thought more, I happened to reflect back to something my dad told me one day after football practice. “You have to be consistent; your coaches are looking for consistency”. We all knew I had the talent to get things started, but was I talented enough to be consistent until the end of the season? I realized that even though something might shake me at first deep down I am going to take that first step. I might hesitate before I take that first step, but I will push through that initial wall. I know I have the talents to break down a wall, but did I believe in myself that I could consistently knock down walls? Or would I fold at some point? I don’t know because I didn’t want to know.

I knew I had the talent, but I never knew if I believed in myself, I didn’t compare to many other people I was around. Everyone in this world has a talent and is talented in their own specific way. But at one point I compared myself to everyone in the world, yes that included old wealthy people. I know, doesn’t make any sense, but at the moment it did. How could I compare myself to others who have been consistent in their work when I can’t make that same commitment. I was leading myself down a path of self-destruction, because I was too afraid to make the commitment. It all seemed so hard making a daily commitment to being consistent. It was hard to me at that time because that meant some of my selfish needs would not be met. My selfish needs would be replaced by priorities that were right for me, but not good for Me at the time. That mind thought came with me into my adult life with the same life outcomes. Comparing myself to the world, while I am too afraid to make the commitment.

Some people grow up with a successful life from birth, some educate themselves and become successful, and some are forced to make a change that leads to a successful life. No matter how someone gets there they are successful. I knew I wanted to be successful, I knew the road, I knew what it took, and it seemed hard. At some point I had to say yes, and I finally did. Was it hard, yes, it’s a daily battle but only if I choose to make it a daily consistent battle.

Successfully making daily consistent actions helps to eliminate that phrase “I Don’t Know”.