Derailed…
Even after overcoming some major hurdles in my life, I was finding moments of being derailed. Who really would want to derail any true positive progress being made? I knew I wouldn’t do such a thing to myself but still I had moments of being derailed. There were still these moments when life just seemed off.
I fought hard to overcome many past battles in my life and those battles had their own lessons in themselves. In many moments when It “life”, finally became too much, I knew I had to take action and the battles would begin. Those battles were a part of this internal war where I try to play the superhero while also trying to learn and move forward the right way. In reality it was a mental war that I was dealing with. A kind of mental war that if not careful could derail me for a while. I spent so many past battles fighting while also trying to be my own coach. I wanted to be the hero and show myself and others that I can overcome my battles, but I also knew I was on my last leg. I didn’t just need to win the battles I needed to prevent them from ever happening again. I need pure domination.
As I began to get fed up with my life and wanted to move forward, I started the battles. See, in the past I would encounter the battles as life around me moved about. This time I was starting the battles, I was confronting myself head on and addressing some loose ends. It was time to tighten things up. As I went superhero mode on the inside, I had to be mindful of my thought process. As I began to live life with everyone around me, I began to realize We were all going through similar issues. I began to realize that as I was moving forward, I could help others also move forward in their situations. In my mind it was a win-win situation no harm no foul. I was helping others.
As I began this approach of helping others and acted out this way of thinking I began to get derailed. I couldn’t figure it out, so back to the drawing board to gather new ideas. I couldn’t figure out why in moments I would get sucked back into this past history I thought that I overcame. I am just hear being a friend for a friend. Until one day it finally hit me. There were situations that I couldn’t get through by myself. As much of a superhero I thought I was there was still parts that hurt within me when certain topics were being addressed. My superhero costume was covering up those places that I didn’t want others to see. I didn’t want anyone to see my heart and my thoughts, but hard to cover those things up when someone is in need of help, right? I was the one in need of help, they were in need of help, we both needed help. I need others just as much as they need me, we need each other.
I spent time trying to be the superhero and heal everyone else’s wounds while I covered up mine until I couldn’t any longer. I couldn’t hide the hurt and pain any more as the more I helped the more derailed I became. The more I brought up the past the more derailed I became. As much as I wanted to help others, I knew it was hard to move forward together if I was holding back. I had to realize that the moments I became derailed were the moments I became a lone superhero. Instead of speaking up and addressing my hurts and pains with others I remained the savior. I had to save myself and uncover my wounds. I had to ask for help to put me back on track…
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)
