Life…
My life, your life, her life, his life, their life, our life. We all are living our lives together.
These past few months I was paying more attention to my daily living making sure it lines up with what needs to get done for that day. Simply put I was focusing more on putting more structure and order to my days. Even a simple Saturday I was making sure to get the grocery shopping done, clean the house, and run any little errands before anything else. I grew accustomed to this way of life, and it felt normal, it felt good. My Life was structured, My Life was in order…
The more I planned this little life of mine over the past few months the more I became numb. With all the good intentions in my heart I was still lacking something, but I couldn’t find it. The more I structured my life, the more I put my life in order the more numb I felt. There was this missing piece in Life that I couldn’t find, but to be honest I started to become numb to that feeling. The more I missed It the more structure and order I placed in my life allowing that numbness to become oneness with me. My Life was structured, My Life was in order…
My life was feeling like it was starting to fall apart on the inside. I didn’t know how many more structured smiles I could order as inventory was becoming low. My life was structured, my life was in order…So why do I feel like I am going to explode at any minute? I know today might seem it was a successful day, but no one knew the hours long internal battle just to walk out the door. My life was structured, My Life was in order…
I started to realize the more structure and order I placed on my life the more I was placed in life and not involved. It was as if I was just a playing piece on a game board and just move with the roll of my own dice. See, My life was structured, My Life was in order, the roll of my dice was chance, luck. I didn’t know the outcome, but I had confidence in myself I would roll my own dice every time. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, but no matter what I had enough confidence to see my way through. My life was structured, My Life was in order…
As I kept rolling my own dice, I became tired of this roller coaster game of My Life. Move 2 spaces forward, moves 4 spaces back, move 6 spaces forward, moves 2 spaces back. My life full of structure and order, My life full of excitement and sighs but enough confidence and strength to keep standing My ground. My structured ordered life was lacking consistency in the right direction. My structured ordered life was full of love, but it was my own love. I was so focused on my own personal structured ordered life I began to fall in love with just me and my thoughts and ways. I was neglecting the one thing in life that wasn’t just for me…Love…
“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love Yahweh thy Yah with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Though shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)
